The words “good girl syndrome” may have never crossed your mind. Quite honestly they never crossed mine, until during meditation recently. And once they did, I did some research and was amazed at what I discovered. To all my fellow people pleasers out there, past or present, this will most likely resonate so much.
People who have Good Girl Syndrome often “appear” happy at all times. But deep down there is an array of mixed emotions that have been suppressed since childhood. Anger, resentment, sadness, you name it. Because either we were either taught not to have them or FELT that we couldn’t express them.
In my case, I FELT that I shouldn’t express and I avoided confrontation at all cost. That has carried well into my adulthood. As a child I wanted to avoid conflict in the hopes of trying to build upon harmony of some sort. Which was a tall order, or burden rather to place on myself, in a house full of chaos and negativity.
Maybe you were not like me by “feeling” it, you may have been told things like:
- “Be a good girl.”
- “People are watching, don’t be embarrassing.”
- “Be quiet and look pretty.”
- “Don’t ask for anything.”
This really isn’t just for girls, it’s for boys too. From early ages, expectations are very clear from our parents. Follow the rules, be quiet and think of others before yourself. No matter the gender, if this resonates to your childhood, this could be where you’re still holding onto trauma and you’ve just discovered what you need to release and work on.
After doing my research I began asking myself some questions to confirm that my feelings of a resounding yes this is me, to be true. And while I have done so much inner work over the years, have gotten so much better at releasing what doesn’t serve me, I feel more understood as to the why certain behaviors and beliefs arose.
- Do/did I worry about offending or bothering people? Yes, I used to say sorry a lot even when it’s not necessary.
- Do/did I pride myself on being helpful and thoughtful for others, even when it’s inconvenient for me? Yes, I would drop what I’m doing to help and beat myself up if I legit just couldn’t be there to do it.
- Do I have trouble speaking up for myself or asking for what I want? Yes, this one is still a hard one for me.
This is more complicated than trying to make others happy. Most of us are taught the qualities of being agreeable, caring about other’s feelings and help in time of need. Which are WONDERFUL qualities. The problem is when our own self-worth is dependent on having such wonderful qualities. Doing more for others, so much so that we forget we have our own needs too. If we give and give and give, we’ll have nothing left for ourselves.
I thought I would be loved more if I didn’t voice my opinions.
That is the conclusion that surfaced after doing my research and journaling. Like I said earlier I grew up in a house full of chaos and negativity. More specifically a battling of addictions and anger always stirring. I was the youngest who saw right through it all. Everyone else’s problems were always at the forefront and I didn’t want to contribute to it (hello little empath…a whole other blog post). But because everyone else was always focused on themselves, there was little to no room for me. The thought of being a good girl surely would ease their pain and make them love me more right? Now I know how silly that is but I believe I was in survival mode and that felt safest for me.
This can, and most often, carries into adulthood. The good girl role forces us to conform and give up important parts of ourselves such as our beliefs, ideas, goals, interests and values. If you do carry this into adulthood and you find yourself feeling stuck or lost at points, this could be why. When you lose sight of who you are because you’re putting other’s needs before your own constantly, it’s no wonder you feel lost.
You are not lost, you just need to come home to you again.
I believe that since you found this and have read this far, you were meant to find this. You were meant to become AWARE and now you can begin to do the work to undo it. Beginning to take more chances, setting more boundaries and prioritizing yourself is where to begin. One of the easiest things you could do for yourself, and what seems like the hardest for most, is make a list of all the things that you love to do. Even if it’s from childhood, heck yes, especially then! Write. Them. Down! Then, schedule those things into your daily routine.
Now that you are aware and you start to take notice of when you are playing the role of “good girl or boy” ask yourself some of these questions to see if you can identify alternatives to choose again:
- Am I meeting my own needs?
- Am I doing this out of obligation?
- What do “I” want?
- Can I kindly share my own opinions or ideas?
- Can I see any benefits in having more fun or taking more chances?
- Will people actually hate or disown me if I stand up for myself or am I just making the worst of it?
- Do I feel like I need to earn my self-worth by helping and pleasing others?
- What do “I” believe in and what matters to me?
You owe it to yourself to take your power back.
